“According to a recent poll in America, there are 66 percent of young people ages 18 – 36 who believes that you first live together before you get married. The number of couples living together has increased from 523,000 in 1970 to where today there are some 4.6 million couples who are playing house, shacking up out of wedlock. Forty five percent of all women in the US between the ages of 25 -34 have at one time lived with someone”.
It is unfortunate that this trend is creeping into the church of the Living God that we have “so called brothers” testing the goods before buying and giving the excuse that they want to know if they are “sexually compatible” before getting married. That logic sounds good on the surface because some of them compare it to buying a car. Imagine going to buy a new car tomorrow. You go into a dealership, and you see this beautiful car and think “This is it!” ‘The look, the gadgets and the price, all seem perfect and you are swept off your feet. Without further ado you tell the salesman “I’ll take it!” Is that reality? No way! First you want to take this “perfect car” on a test drive. This is the logic of living together.
If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with this person surely you first want to live together, play house and find out if you’re compatible or not. Most singles believe that living together allows you to see your partner’s true colors before you get married. This, in turn helps you to make a better more informed choice. But ultimately it brings headaches, and heartbreak because if you are a true child of God you will know that the scriptures says, “marriage is honorable in all and the bed undefiled” Heb. 13:4 there is no way two able bodied adults who are of the opposite sex live comfortably in a close confined apartment, house without a lot of hanky panky going on. We are not equipped to ignore our fleshly yearnings.
What are the real reasons people live together? Love, finances, practice and engagements may be the politically correct reasons couples give for cohabiting, but these are not the real reasons they are playing house. There are four real reasons, some conscious and some subconscious, why couples go for the logic of the “Test Drive Theory”.
The first reason is FEAR. Teens, 20s, 30s, have a fear of divorce, the world over the divorce rate is growing astronomically with studies showing that over half of all marriages will ultimately end in divorce. Marriage is risky business, thus singles are moving in together because deep down inside they are scared spit less of having to enduring another hellish divorce. They are thinking “if we live together first and we’re not compatible” if it doesn’t work out, then we can just slip out the back”. But is that true? Is that reality? Can couples who live together, who test drive the car, just slip out the back with no strings attached? I don’t think so.
Why? Because sex and cohabitation create a bond, and once they enter a sexual union outside of marriage an emotional, psychological, and spiritual bond is forged. When the couple living together breaks up and starts living apart, there is ripping and tearing of their souls emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually.
The second real reason that people are living together is FREE SEX. There is nothing like convenient sex. Most men, if you surveyed them and asked them including those in the church, “why did you really move in” would reply, “I moved in for the sex – when I want it and where I want it”. It’s that simple. Sexual activity is dangerous, these days with STDs on the prowl, and HIV lying in ambush. Repeatedly health officials say that next to abstinence, monogamous sex is the safest alternative. Marriage is obviously the ideal place for that monogamy, but commitment-phobic men have discovered that the can pilfer the benefits of monogamy without the “curse” of commitment by simply living together.
Sisters, please think about this. Why would a man want to get married if he already has one of the most important things to him? If you’re already living together and having sex and things get bad, he can just bail. As Grandma always says “Why buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free? What’s going to cause enough dissonance for him to want to change, and to go on and propose and get married? Nothing! He has the ultimate deal: sex without commitment. That goes for premarital sex, living together or not.
If guys move in primarily for convenient sex, then women move in often to MANIPULATE the man into marriage which is the third reason people move in together. One study revealed that 70 percent of women moved in with a man with marriage in mind (The other 30 percent were in denial). For many women, living together is really about auditioning, isn’t it? They are auditioning for the role of the bride! They think, “If I treat him kind enough and make him feel good and if I give him what he wants, then one day he’s going to reward me with a ring, and then we’re going to have a marriage, and we’re going to live happily ever after” so women try to manipulate the man to achieve their own desires. They use sex to get love and hopefully to get him down the aisle. Most of the time it ends in crushed hope and pain, sometimes they are not able to get over the emotional trauma they are face when the relationship ends and sometimes they do make it to the altar but ultimately there is no trust in that relationship because trust is gone the minute sex and manipulation is used to get married.
The fourth underlying reason that people live together is basically IMMATURITY. It’s an immature decision to live together before you get married. Why? To build a lasting relationship it takes time, energy and sacrifice. People who live together before marriage are basically saying, “I want the goodies of marriage without sacrifice. I want to feel good right now, no matter what” it’s like the child who demands his dessert before dinner. It’s a basic inability to delay gratification. (Remember the prodigal son?) That’s so childish. People who are living together possess the infantile mentality that is asking this question throughout the Test Drive: “Does this live-in situation feel good every day? And the other party is working his tail off to be sure that it is feeling good for that person.
Here’s the problem with the immaturity-driven desire for ultimate “feel good everyday” relationship: what if they actually get married? Their negative feelings have been suppressed to some degree, they have walked on eggshells just to make each other “feel good” then BOOM, they get married. Guess what? Marriage doesn’t feel good everyday> Marriage is based on commitment, not feelings. The last time I checked, marriage is for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. I read nothing in the wedding vows that talks about feeling good everyday as the basis of commitment. It’s no wonder that living together is such a poor tester for marriage. It’s no wonder that couples who play house are three times more likely to divorce during the first two years of marriage than couples who do not live together.
Some people ask, “What’s the big difference between living together and marriage?” that’s easy, commitment. Commitment, for life. If a person who is unwilling to make a commitment to delay gratification, how is that person going to be able to make the same commitment once he gets married? Dr. Roger Hillerstorm in his book “Intimate Deception” says that “trying to experience marriage without a lifetime commitment is like going to a doughnut shop to buy your meals. You can fill your stomach, but eventually you’ll die of malnutrition”. If you are living together right now, let me give you a word of counsel: Stop having sex and move out. If you’re serious about getting married, if you’re serious about having a successful relationship, the best move you can make is to MOVE OUT! (Emphasis mine) because you have no security, no real commitment, your relationship is only as good as the last romp in the sack and you are building a foundation of disrespect and doubt instead of a foundation of trust and respect.
CONSEQUENCES OF BREAKING THIS COMMANDMENT.
• You have a much greater chance of getting a divorce than couples who don’t live together
• You delay the need for marriage by giving a man the ultimate deal – sex without commitment.
• You are more susceptible (vulnerable) to domestic violence.
• You are more likely to experience depression than married women even when you are married the guilt does not leave you, because your wedding night is nothing special, he has already seen and sampled the goods, so what else is new?
BENEFITS OF KEEPING THIS COMMANDMENT
• You are practicing self-control, which is a critical character quality for a lasting relationship. (A man who cannot respect your wishes not to have sex before marriage will not be faithful to you when you marry him)
• You are building a healthy foundation of trust and respect
• You can sleep at night without worrying about an unexpected pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.
• You will feel more secure in your dating relationship because you can build solid commitments and friendship.
HELP FOR YOU WHO HAVE BROKEN THE COMMANDMENT
• Move out now
• Confess that what you did was wrong and stupid and repent of them.
• Receive God’s forgiveness and make a decision not to repeat the same mistake
• If you have prayed and sought the Lord’s counsel and the relationship is of God, then get some pre-engagement counseling.
Excerpts from The 10 Commandments of Dating – Ben Young & Dr. Samuel Adams.
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